yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
