I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
