smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
