You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
