There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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