i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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