I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
