Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
this is an emotional support booty call
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
