I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
