so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
