now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
birth control should be required to get into college
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
