I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
