FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
