I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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