this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
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He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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