ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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