Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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