You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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