Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
