my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
