If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
