My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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