Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
