I can tuck mytits in my pants
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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