come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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