Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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