i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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