some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
