Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
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I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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