You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
