So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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