brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
