i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
