My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
