I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
