meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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