Pants 0. Shit 1.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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