did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
