dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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