Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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