My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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