6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
