the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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