and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
