i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
