My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My ass is underappreciated
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
