Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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