You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
