I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
