I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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