mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
