got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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