i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
