omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
