i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
